Musings
by Kimber
Summary: Slash - Willow/Tara - A peek into a Wiccan's Diary. (The Sequal is called


**Title:** Musings   
**Disclaimer: ** All BTVS characters belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. If girl-girl action bothers you then you're on the wrong list.   
**Summary: ** A peek into a wiccan's diary.   
**Spoilers:** None   
**Distribution:** Ask and you shall receive.   
**Author's Notes: ** The more feedback I get the more fic I write. . .nuff said. Thoughts are enclosed in >   
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It happened again.

Maybe it was the sway of her skirt. It could have been the wave of giggles that she is always suddenly overcome with. Maybe the way her head cocks to the side when she's unsure of what she's about to say. Then I think for a moment and realize it could have been the way she uses her hands to talk when she gets really excited about something.

What ever it was it happened again.

She just walked out and I'm left with butterflies in my stomach trying to achieve the most interesting flight patterns. Real friends are few and far between for me. Yet I'm left with the most peculiar sensation of being the most loved and lucky person in the world – how totally mind numbing is that?

So she'll be back soon and I just had to write this down, all of it. Just to – I don't know – maybe make it all a little more real, you know? Like if I see it down on paper then it's actually happening, I'm really feeling all of these things for her and it's almost tangible, like I can almost touch it and know that it's all happening in real time – cause when I'm with her everything is like frame by frame slow motion. I forget how to think, forget how to speak, forget everything except what she looks like and how I can just feel her next to me even though she's not around. Even now that she's out of the room there's something of her left over. I can still feel her energy floating around like some electric ghost that's touching my skin and making my little arm hairs stand on end.

Yeah, she's amazing but no matter how many times I tell her she still doesn't believe it. It's like a cute little kitten. Your all wrapped up in how cute and adorable it is but it's kinda just there being a kitten. It's not aware of the effect it's having on you cause it's too busy with the little ball of string you just handed it. So yeah, she's definitely like a cute unaware-how-great-I-am kitten. That was pretty cheesy, wasn't it? Who cares, no one will ever see this anyway – it's just for me. It's for me to remind myself that it's happening, that I'm having all these feelings and for a girl no less. Not that it's bad, don't get me wrong, it's just – new. And a little scary. I mean, why can't I just love who I want to love without being judged or criticized or burned at the stake?

Society tells me that I need to get an education then fall in love with a man and get married and have kids so they can start the whole cycle all over again. Why can't I just love a person? I want to love a person who is gonna love me despite my short comings and mistakes. Love me because I can be awkward at times, because I stutter when I get nervous, because I want to be a bad ass wiccan. Love me because I'm me, warts and all, because I'm worth loving. Not because you're a guy or girl or because I can be witty or shy or whatever – but just because you're a person who wants to love another person – not because of their gender but in spite of it.

That's really what it's all about, isn't it? The whole gender issue has my stomach doing flip flops of Olympic proportions and just over my shoulder is society sitting in all it's self important glory playing the judge to my pathetic little routine. Their scorecard counts whether we want it to or not and I'm left with the sinking feeling that I'm not gonna have what it takes to make the team.

So I've made a decision. I think I'm gonna tell her how I feel. Hey, look, this is me taking some initiative over here and it feels good. Feels right. Now if I can just stop my heart from pounding in my ears I may just be able to hear her reaction. I've thought long and hard about it and I've come to the conclusion that if I'm gonna be judged on who I love – if it makes me less of a person to love her where they are concerned – then I don't want to be on their team anyway. I don't want to wear my sexuality like a badge of honor or be patted on the back for being just another regular looking rat in the race. I want to stand out damn it – I wanna jump in a pool of peroxide and climb out and be the one white rat among the boring plain brown ones. And who knows, maybe she'll take the jump with me and we'll can-------

"Hey."

"Hey. I didn't see you standing there."

"Yeah. You looked pretty involved."

"It's nothing really. You ready?"

"Sure. When ever you are."

"Good. Lets go then. I have something I want to tell you and, well, I want us to be alone when I do it. Is that okay?"

"Sure. I guess. . I mean"

"It's nothing bad. . .just. . .something that's been on my mind lately. Okay?"

"Okay. We'll go to the usual place?"

"I wouldn't have it any other way."

FINIS   
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to be continued in the sequel "[Electric Gummy Crickets][1]"   


   [1]: electric.html



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